


Watching Anime or How Alex plunged Malagasto into Chaos, Part 1

by Zyzyax



Series: How Alex Plunged Malagasto into Chaos [1]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:46:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25157968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zyzyax/pseuds/Zyzyax
Summary: Written for Spyfest 2020 Week 1. Prompt: "What's so great about this TV show anyway?" This is a crack fic of part of Alex's time at Malagasto. It contains a lot of crude humor. Do not read if that offends you. No Romance!
Series: How Alex Plunged Malagasto into Chaos [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844131
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36
Collections: Spyfest 2020





	Watching Anime or How Alex plunged Malagasto into Chaos, Part 1

It all started when Gordon Ross had let him stay after his hacking lessons. Alex knew he should have gone straight back to his quarters, but his homework had been done for once, a true accomplishment at Malagasto. Also, Gordon had a TV and Alex didn’t. And the man had both scotch and popcorn. Gordon, shockingly enough, turned on an extremely cheesy and violent anime. Alex was puzzled at first as to why the man was watching it, but then he noticed the scantily clad women with weapons and had a pretty good idea. It was a somewhat well-known fact on the island that Gordon...didn’t have the best luck in his dating life. “Err, what’s so great about this TV show anyway?”

Gordon grinned. “It has such accurate weapon depictions, don’t you think?”

All Alex saw was a bunch of really fake looking guns and weird swords. “I think you’re just watching it for the anime titties, Gordon.”

The man roared with laughter. “You might be right Alex. S’not like I get a lot of chances for dating around here.”

Alex snorted. “Whaaat? It’s true! Would you screw a student around here?!”

Alex considered it for about half a second. “Well, no.”

Gordon brandished the popcorn at him. “Exactly! Plus, Jet turned me down for the eightieth time.”

Alex deadpanned. “Shocker.”

Gordon huffed. “I know, I’m a prime specimen of manhood.”

Alex felt like his ribs were about to crack from the strain of not laughing at Gordon’s comment. “Sure, sure, keep telling yourself that. I bet Nile gets all the sex around here.”

Gordon choked on his popcorn. “What makes you say that?”

Alex was a bit sarcastic at times. “Hmm. Well, he flirts like crazy with like every receptionist we come across. It’s annoying.”

Gordon perked up. “Really?”

Alex snorted. “Yeah, and either he has a thing for nerds or I need antipsychotics because you should see him when we go to the R&D people.”

Gordon crunched on more popcorn and sat back, show forgotten. “Really?”

Alex shrugged. “Yeah, I got assigned to him for mentor week, remember?”

Gordon was inwardly grinning. This was going to be great. “So, what does Nile get up to in his evenings?”

Alex grabbed a handful of popcorn. “Oh, he’s probably slept his way through half the science division. He went on a date with a different one each night!”

Gordon chuckled at Alex’s scandalized expression. The kid probably still believed in long-term relationships. “Eh, good for him.”

Alex’s expression was priceless. Gordon turned his attention back to the screen.

Alex had waited until Gordon went to sleep. He was pretty sure that hangovers and gun practice shouldn’t mix, but it was hardly his problem. Alex opened up Gordon’s computer. Should the man really have shared his password? Also, he used the same password for everything, despite preaching the opposite to Alex. “Do as I say, not as I do,” his effing ass. A glance at the TV gave him a sudden inspiration. Well, thanks to Tom, he knew of an excellent set of stripper hentai porn. The evil grin lit up his face. This was going to be fun. I mean, Gordon might kill him in his sleep, but Alex figured that made it totally worth taking the risk. Alex started the download. In the meantime, he stole some of Gordon’s popcorn stash while picking up the room slightly. What? If Gordon didn’t want his popcorn stolen, he shouldn’t invite students into his room, get drunk, and walk to the bedroom before passing out. Not that Alex minded hearing the gossip at all. It was kind of fun. Alex knew he might have a slight problem with risk-taking. He blamed Ian for this. Maybe if they’d had fewer death-defying fun vacations, Alex would have less of an easy time with death-defying stunts. The computer seemed to have finished the upload. Alex resisted the urge to giggle. Deep down, he knew he’d be paying for this later somehow. He wasn’t sure how; he wasn’t sure when, but he knew he’d be paying for this little stunt later. Alex quietly slipped out of Gordon’s room and went back to his own. Thankfully, after several incidents involving death and toothbrushes, Malagasto no longer permitted roommates. Alex had decided he didn’t want to know how toothbrushes could be lethal. 

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, Alex had been minding his own business and cramming for Jet’s latest quiz when Gordon walked in. “You have excellent taste in porn, Alex.”

Alex turned bright red and put his face in his hands. “Kill me now.”

One of his classmates sniggered. Alex kicked him under the table. “Gordon! There are women here!”

Gordon sat down, his eyes gleaming with mischief. “And?”

Alex opened his mouth and then closed it. “I hate you.”

Gordon grinned. “Nah, you don’t.”

Alex risked glancing at his classmates who seemed to be in varying shades of amusement. Well, nobody looked pissed. The teachers looked mostly amused, except for Yermalov, who looked like his usual grumpy-ass self. A few of them were looking at him, looking away, and seemed to be intently working something out. Alex decided he’d worry about surviving his next quiz before worrying about any weird social repercussions that came from this. Alex glanced at his notes before the entire class was sent off to Jet’s class. The “quiz” turned out to be a monstrosity that took the entire class period. He had never been this grateful for a long test that took up his entire attention in his life. Jet held him back after class. Alex tried at humor. “Grade the tests and fail me already, Jet?”

Jet whapped him with her class folder. “Even I don’t grade that fast, Alex.”

Alex gave her a flash of his most innocent look. Jet rolled her eyes. “Spare me. Now, what on Earth did you do to piss off Gordon?”

Alex let his eyes widen. “I may or may not have downloaded a few gigabytes of stripper hentai onto his laptop.”

Jet threw back her head and laughed. Alex felt like it made her much prettier and promptly squashed that thought. The teachers seemed to have mind-reading powers and Alex didn’t want to know what the punishment for being attracted to one of your teachers was. Alex continued. “Well, he seemed awfully lonely and he watches this cheesy anime that he swears is for ‘representations of weapon accuracy’. I think it’s for the gravity-defying e-cups, personally.”

Jet seemed to regain control of herself. “So, you were doing him a favor?”

Alex shrugged. “Well, I think so.”

Jet huffed. “Run along, Alex.”

Alex didn’t want to risk his luck asking if she was mad about the whole porn thing and scurried off with the note she had handed him. Being late to the Countess’s class without a note was not something he ever wanted to face. Alex was fairly certain the extra hours of table manners were just a way for the teachers to be sadistic. He jogged full tilt to the class. He was pretty sure notes were time-sensitive here.

* * *

During their “free” period, Alex found himself somewhat cornered by one of his two female classmates, Amanda. They were close-ish. Well, as close as you got on an island where they taught you to kill people. Alex was doing his best to stare intently at his notes for Gordon’s class. They were going to have an evening practical, and Alex didn’t want to get blown up. Amanda continued to hover just at the edge of his vision, effectively distracting him. Alex put down the notebook. “Yes?”

Amanda sat down next to him. “So, you put porn on Ross’s computer.”

Alex flushed and looked away. “Err. Maybe?”

Amanda giggled. Alex barely kept from staring in disbelief. She wasn’t exactly unattractive, but Amanda wasn’t the type he ever pictured giggling. “He wasn’t very nice.”

Alex smirked. “Well, he probably hasn’t gotten laid in about thirty years.”

Amanda’s lips twitched. The brown eyes looked oddly amused. “So, what did you put on there?”

Alex felt himself flush and looked down at his book while answering in a low whisper. “Um, stripper hentai.”

The reaction he got was not what he expected. “Oooh, I love stripper hentai. Which ones did you give him?”

Alex flushed a little bit darker and managed to give her a list. Amanda shrugged. “I might have to borrow his laptop, then.”

Alex looked up at her in shock. “What? I’m a grown woman with needs. Plus, I’m not fucking a teacher or fellow student. It’s unprofessional.”

Alex nodded mutely, not trusting himself to speak. This was not how he was expecting this to go. Amanda patted him on the head. “Get back to studying, Alex.”

Alex gratefully returned to examining the charts.

* * *

Alex heard and saw his door bang open at three in the morning. It was Walker. “What’s up?”

Walker paused. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

Alex honestly felt like crying. “Um, these knives all look the same and I’m going to fail so hard on the written test-”

Walker held up a hand to cut him off. “Relax, the test got canceled.”

Alex almost cried with relief. “Wait, why?”

Walker flushed. “Apparently, the teachers are going to war over Gordon’s laptop.”

Alex put his face into his hands. “Why?”

Walker flushed. “Um, apparently, it went missing and whatever porn you downloaded on there is _really_ popular.”

Alex felt himself blush again and banging his head against the desk was suddenly appealing. “Kill me, Walker, kill me now.”

Walker hesitated at his threshold. “Er, do you...um...do you want a hug?”

Alex felt a surge of something. He almost ripped into Walker. The anger faded as quickly as it came. “Actually, that would be nice.”

Walker stepped in quietly and gave him a quick, soft hug. “Relax, it’s probably gonna blow over.”

Alex felt his sarcasm return as they broke apart. “Thanks, Walker, that’s really reassuring, quality comfort.”

Walker perked up. “Really?”

Alex snorted. “No. Keep working on it and you might be able to convince your girlfriend you still want to date her one day.”

Walker huffed. “Alex!”

Alex grinned. “What are you going to do? Grapple me at three in the morning?”

Walker tilted his head. Alex got ready for the pounce he knew was coming. “Yes.”

The man sprang, but Alex was already moving to dodge him. Alex launched into action and had the man pinned beneath him when Gordon and Yermalov walked in. “We said _don’t_ murder each other!”

Alex immediately released Walker from the partial chokehold. “Right.”

Gordon inhaled. “I’m supposed to file a report for this, but I’m tired, I hate paperwork, and all of my computers have gone missing.”

Alex sighed. “Sorry.”

Gordon shrugged. “It’s okay, I like you better than Walker.”

The American’s mouth dropped open. “Hey!”

Gordon cut him off. “Shut up! Now, I’m going to walk in your room, pretend I didn’t just see that, check for my computers, and walk out. Walker! Go to your room and wait for room inspections.”

Walker scurried off down the hall. Gordon opened Alex’s closet. “Freakishly neat, but nothing suspicious.”

The drawers under the bed were opened. “Still freakishly neat for a teenage boy, but nothing suspicious.”

Gordon closed the drawer. “Okay, we’re done.”

Gordon glared at Yermalov. “You get to check Walker’s drawers.”

The man looked even sourer. Alex hadn’t known that was even possible. “I will require surgical gloves.”

Gordon walked out and closed the door. “Oh, shut up, ya old germaphobe! You touch the students every day.”

Yermalov retorted. “The students are required to shower every day. Their possessions are not.”

If Gordon replied to that, Alex didn’t hear, because the door and walls were decently thick.

* * *

The next day at breakfast was tense. Alex was sincerely hoping nobody got poisoned over a stupid laptop. They did know you could just download stuff off the internet, right? He decided to keep his head down and not question it. Gordon was shooting Jet dagger-eyes. Jet was giving him the “are you fucking kidding me” face. Yermalov looked like he’d eaten two limes instead of his usual one. D’Arc was humming cheerfully, apparently oblivious to the potential bloodbath that might or might not occur in the next few hours. The Countess was as loft and impassive as ever. Alex’s fellow classmates all looked a few shades paler than usual and the breakfast room was dead quiet. Doctor Three picked that moment to walk in and sit down next to Alex. Alex felt his heart begin to pound. “Er, morning, Doc.”

The old man looked...amused. It was hard to tell, even after living with Ian “the brick wall” Rider. “Late night, Alex?”

Alex had a sinking suspicion Three knew for a fact that Gordon had not filed a report on his and Walker’s little scuffle. “Yes.”

Three cut into his breakfast. “Good, good.”

Three gave them all a look. “Is there something I’m missing?”

There was a chorus of denials around the room. Alex couldn’t shake the feeling of impending doom. The _good_ doctor seemed to be one of those mind-reading people. Like Yassen. Or Ian. Alex was sending up silent prayers to whatever deities he could remember until Three glided off after breakfast. Gordon breathed an audible sigh of relief. “Well, then. We’re going to sit here until someone fesses up.”

For once, Alex’s school habits came in handy. He’d brought all of his notes and textbooks in his “highly encouraged” standard issue backpack. Apparently, not having any possessions was okay here. Alex had just counted it as lucky and not pushed it. “How did you cram all that in there?”

Yermalov’s eye twitched. “Alex, unlike you, knows the meaning of cleanliness and organization.”

Walker looked stunned. “What?! He’s fourteen! His room can’t possibly be neater than mine.”

Yermalov took on a distinctly predatory look. “Would you like to bet, Walker?”

If Alex was Walker, he would have shut his pie hole at that look. Walker, however, was not that smart. “Yes.”

Alex cringed internally. Yermalov’s eyes glinted with malice. “If your room is, in fact, cleaner, then you’ll get the day off.”

Walker raised an eyebrow. “And if it isn’t?”

Yermalov looked positively gleeful. “Then you get to run laps around the building until sundown.”

Walker glared at the man. “Deal.”

The two disappeared into the hallway that went to the dormitories. Alex looked at Gordon. “Isn’t it going to be 45 Celsius today?”

Gordon shrugged. “Yep.”

Alex blinked. “Uh, aren’t you concerned about, y’know, heatstroke.”

Gordon shrugged. “That’s Walker’s problem.” 

* * *

Needless to say, Walker was doing laps. Alex was getting mildly concerned about the man around lunchtime. Thankfully, Gordon hadn’t seen fit to deprive them of food...yet. Unfortunately, Walker still had to run around the building, minus lunch. Yermalov was looking very, very smug. Alex got up and walked outside to check on the man while Gordon bickered with Jet. Oddly enough, The Countess hadn’t said anything and D’Arc had wandered off hours ago to do paperwork. Alex blatantly grabbed water off the counter and walked out. Yermalov had gone for a break, muttering about blood clots. Alex waited for Walker to pass him at the entrance to the school and through the water bottle. It was caught by a very grateful American. “Thanks.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot, Walker.”

Walker’s lips twitched. “And you like me anyway.” Alex snorted and walked back into the school as Walker passed out of earshot. Alex ducked back into his spot and glanced at Amanda, who was shaking her head silently at him and looking very amused. Jet and Gordon hadn’t noticed a thing. “FOR THE FIFTEENTH TIME, GORDON, I DID NOT TAKE YOUR FUCKING LAPTOP WITH YOUR STUPID STRIPPER HENTAI!!!”

Alex bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Gordon retorted. “WELL, THEN, WHO THE HELL DID?! WE’VE ALREADY SEARCHED ALL THE STUDENT QUARTERS.”

Alex was now shaking with his attempts to conceal his amusement. Amanda kicked him hard under the table. Alex ducked out of sight and let out some very fake sounding coughs. Jet and Gordon, thankfully, didn’t notice. 

* * *

This continued until dinner, where Yermalov finally put his foot down. “Gordon, if you don’t stop this madness, I _will_ go to Three.”

Gordon made a noise like a stuck pig. “But, Yermalov-”

Yermalov glared. “The only “but” that is happening here will be my knife up your ass if you don’t shut the fuck up, Gordon. This approach is going nowhere.”

Gordon sat down like a deflated balloon and huffed. Alex interrupted. “Um, isn’t it sundown?”

Yermalov raised an eyebrow. “Yes.”

Alex raised an eyebrow at the man. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Yermalov snapped. “I have not forgotten anything in over twenty years.”

Alex sighed. “What about Walker?”

Yermalov huffed and stalked off to dismiss the man from his laps. A very red-looking Walker was inside a few minutes later. Alex squirmed. “Uh, he has heatstroke.”

Yermalov chuffed. Alex was changing his assessment from part-snake to part-snow leopard. “If you like him that much, you save him.”

Walker was unceremoniously dumped in Alex’s lap. Alex sighed, picked up the man, and hauled him off to the showers. Alex swore the entire time as he started the cold water and shoved the man underneath it. “I swear to fucking god, Walker, you’re the dumbest motherfucker I’ve ever met.”

Alex propped up Walker’s head to make sure he wouldn’t drown. Walker seemed to slowly be turning a more natural color. Alex was well aware he was getting soaked through his clothing. Having anticipated this at dinner, he’d stuffed some rolls and a few juice boxes in his pencil bag, which was inexplicably waterproof. Walker started breathing heavily, which Alex took as a good sign. The man took a lot longer than Alex had expected to regain consciousness. He started awake, gasping for breath. “Heatstroke?”

Alex sighed. “Yup.”

Walker groaned and began drinking some of the water the shower head was dumping on both of them. He looked hopefully at Alex. “Any chance you saved me some dinner?”

Alex snorted and handed over the pencil bag. “Juice Boxes and rolls.”

Walker sighed. “Joy.”

Alex shrugged. “It could be worse.”

Walker had downed a juice box in one go. “I know, I heard Yermalov.”

Alex patted Walker lightly on the arm. “And, er, thanks. I think he was just going to let me die.”

Alex shrugged. “Well, nobody said saving your classmates was against the rules.”

Walker began laughing hysterically.

* * *

Yermalov was pacing the teachers’ lounge. “Why does he bother with _Walker_?”

Gordon shrugged. “I dunno. The blowjobs must be _excellent_.”

Jet rolled her eyes. “I think it’s sweet.”

Yermalov was put out. “Sweet? Sweet? Walker’s a useless turd.”

Jet sighed. “There are other things in life than people’s utility, Yermalov.”

The man huffed and walked off. Gordon was not best pleased with him or anyone else for that matter. “That’s it!”

Jet sighed. “What harebrained idea do you have now?”

Gordon glared. “Just because you have a fucking doctorate in fucking botany doesn’t mean you’re the only smart person here!”

Jet smiled sweetly. “I’ll be sure to tell Doctor Three how much you admire his medical degree. He might even volunteer for your medical care.”

Gordon glared. “You wouldn’t!”

Jet arched a brow. “Okay, what do you want, Jet?”

Jet glared at him. “An apology would go a long way.”

Gordon managed a sincere look. “Eijit, I’m deeply sorry for accusing you of something as lowbrow as stealing my laptop for the porn, even though you poisoned a whole village including the children once.”

Jet blinked. “Thank you, Gordon. Now, what was your idea?”

Gordon shrugged. “I was thinking we could send the class on a survival mission with defective weaponry. It’ll get ‘em out of the way so we can do a real search _and_ Yermalov will be happy again since it’ll weed out the weak ones.”

Jet tilted her head. “You know, that’s not a bad idea.”

Gordon gave her a fond look of exasperation. “I do have them sometimes.”

Jet whacked him upside the head. Gordon sighed. They’d break it to the poor delinquent students tomorrow.

* * *

**Fin**

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: This is mostly crack. It can be seen as being in the same universe as “An Unwelcome Cellmate”, “The Internship”, “I Need Therapy”, and “Enigma” but also as a standalone. It would be a prequel - the vague reference to Alex saving Walker a lot at Malagasto.


End file.
